Ken Lonnquist
Music with a Message

9. Shirley

 

I had an out-of-body experience

I woke up and I wasn’t even there

Instead I was in someone else’s body

A Californian with reddish hair

She was what you might call really cosmic

Far out to the max, and other-worldly

Someone from the bedroom called her name out

That was when I knew I was in Shirley!

 

Her friend was looking at me very strangely

I didn’t know his name and couldn’t bluff

He was burning incense in the bedroom

I was lighting candles in the buff

Suddenly it dawned on me: if I was

I Shirley’s body, she must be in mine…

Back in the Midwest, doing all my talking!

My friends would think I’d flipped for good this time!

 

I was in her body ---- it was heaven! 

She really had me underneath her skin

I’d never worn brassieres or women’s undies

(But having tried it once, I will again!)

I’d never been with someone so completely

We came together on a higher plain

How can I handle this phenomenon discreetly?

I even sign my name Shirley MacLane!

 

My friends read every one of her best-sellers

But they won’t believe that Shirl and I are one

Although I’m babbling constantly about the Incas

And I’m keeping watch at night for aliens

They say, “Cut it out! You’re gonna shame us!

Throw those runes and Tarot cards away!

They’re all right if you’re flaky, rich and famous

But in the Midwest people just don’t act that way!”

 

I was in her body ---- it was heaven! 

She really had me underneath her skin

I’d never worn brassieres or women’s undies

(But having tried it once, I will again!)

I’d never been with someone so completely

We came together on a higher plain

How can I handle this phenomenon discreetly?

I even sign my name Shirley MacLane!

 

Shirley… Shi-I-irley…

A boy named Shirley…

 

 

 

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10. Love Without Hair

 

Oh, the winter of my hairline's great recession

Brought the springtime when I lost the love of you

And now that all the autumn leaves are falling

I find that all my hair is falling, too...

 

Perhaps it is the silliest equation

To say that love's proportional to hair

But when my last true follicle has fallen

Will I wake to find no true love with me there?

 

Would a toupee or a hairpiece just bring false love?

Would a transplant bring a love from who-knows-where?

Oh, Cupid---you ain't got much---can't you tell me, please...

Please---is there love without hair?

 

 

 

 

11. Coconut Song

 

In the northland you can go shopping

The weather forty below

As you're pushing your grocery cart

Then a tropic fever will grow

Ripe bananas from old Havana

Papayas, mangoes and such

Whisper to you with island voodoo

And then you spy: the coconut!

 

When the juice of the coconut calls out

When the juice of the coconut calls out

When the juice of the coconut calls out

Can't resist the call of the coconut!

 

Down at "Woodman's" is where the good ones

Wait patiently in the aisle

Dark and brown they just sit around

With their hidden coconut smiles

"I have been where you haven't been..."

You can hear them saying as much!

"Split my seam---there's a tropic dream

Waiting when you try: the coconut!"

 

When the juice of the coconut calls out

When the juice of the coconut calls out

When the juice of the coconut calls out

Can't resist the call of the coconut!

 

As you're swaying, others are saying:

"I think he's had too much beer.

Dancing nude 'round the tropic food

In the coldest month of the year!"

But how could they know you couldn't say no

To the cosmic coconut touch?

Innocent till you caught the scent

Of the tropics from: the coconut!

 

When the juice of the coconut calls out

When the juice of the coconut calls out

When the juice of the coconut calls out

Can't resist the call of the coconut! Ya-hey!

 

 

 

12. Littlest Jingle Bell

 

There was an old jingle bell store

Selling jingly bells galore

Some big, some tiny, some in-between

So many jingle bells, you've never seen!

In the holiday Yuletide season

Bells were selling for just one reason:

To ring out loud,and clear and sweet

Old Santa and his Elves to great!

Santa and his Elves to great!

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But the shopkeeper couldn't sell the littlest jingle bell

he tried and tried, but no one fell for the littlest jingle bell

Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring! 

Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring! 

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Oh, the littlest bell was lying

On a shelf all alone and crying

For Christmas Eve was drawing near

And he sniffed, "I don't want to spend it here!"

All the other bells were a-ringing

In the homes of good people singing

Loud and clear and full of cheer

in the happiest Yuletide time of year!

The happiest Yuletide time of year!

 

But the shopkeeper couldn't sell the littlest jingle bell

he tried and tried, but no one fell for the littlest jingle bell

Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring! 

Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring! 

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Now just az the shop was closing

Who would you be supposing

Came knocking on this door to say

"I need a jingle bell for my sleigh"?

That's right!  It was Santa trying

To ready his sleigh for flying

But the shopkeeper said, "I've sold them all -

There's only one left, an it's too small!"

There's only one left, an it's too small!

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It's too tiny - no one will buy it -

There's no reason to even try it.

But Santa said, "I'd like to hear..."

And he lifted the bell up to his ear

And the littlest bell just jingled

With it's merriest ring-ring-ringle

And the old Elf laughed and winked and called:

"Hmmm... you're right.  This jingle bell's too small."

​

"Ho, ho, ho!  Just kidding everyone!"

The old Elf laughed and winked to say:

"This bell's just perfect for my sleigh!

Wrap it up!  Merry Christmas!

Ho, ho, ho!"

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13. Preacherrs On Parade

 

I’ve abandoned “All My Children”,

I’ve switched off “The Guiding Light”

There’s a new soap so darned nasty

it’s beyond “The Edge Of Night”

Sex and drugs and blackmail

other soaps may promenade

But they can’t hold a scandal

to The Preachers On Parade

 

I’m gonna live a cleaner life!

I’m switching off the soaps!

God’s much more intriguing

now he’s hired all these dopes

With pompadours and microphones

and fervent, wiggling hips

Whose steady flow of “Send your dough!”

slithers from their lips

​

Oral heard the oracle,

the oracle did say:

“Oral send eight million

by April Fools Day!

And Oral, if you blow it,

God’ll sure be vexed

So get your wallets out, my friends,

and we’ll lick Oral’s hex!

 

I’ve abandoned “All My Children”,

I’ve switched off “The Guiding Light”

There’s a new soap so darned nasty

it’s beyond “The Edge Of Night”

Sex and drugs and blackmail

other soaps may promenade

But they can’t hold a scandal

to The Preachers On Parade

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 Ooh, that hallelujah halo

that they beam across the wire

Casts a circle of Dark Shadows,

it’s a burnin’ ring of fire

They scurry to the no-tell motels

where, behind closed doors

They do the laying-on of hands

(and just a wee bit more)

Tammy’s makeup’s runnin’,

Jimmy Baker’s in the Pen

Swaggert’s motel mission-work

is startin’ up again

He’s leadin’ prostitutes to God,

while tuned-in baffled souls

Keep financing a holy host

of drugs, sex, rock and roll

 

So let those Christian cathode-rays

replace your rays of hope

Televangelism offers

God and sex and dope

After all, the deity

they worship is the dollar

And greed’s the reason for

this dirty ring around the collar

 

I’ve abandoned “All My Children”,

I’ve switched off “The Guiding Light”

There’s a new soap so darned nasty

it’s beyond “The Edge Of Night”

Sex and drugs and blackmail

other soaps may promenade

But they can’t hold a scandal

to The Preachers On Parade

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14. Teeny Weeny Peeny

 

Well, his Mama cried when she first held her son

'Cause she knew a life of trouble wax to come

Oh, it was plain to see - her boy was born to be

A big, strong, man with a teeny weeny teeny

​

Before his birth, his Daddy disappeared

Too chicken-shit to help his boy get reared

He was forced to split the scene - by something in his genes

He was a big, strong, man with a teeny weeny teeny

​

He badgered boys and bullied girls in turn

Afraid his awful secret might be learned

He shared his Daddy's trait - of tryin' to overcompensate

For bein' a big, strong, man with a teeny weeny teeny

​

Still, the boy grew strong in every way but two -

His teeny weeny, and his attitude

He had muscles big and hard - except in one regard

He was a big, strong, man with a teeny weeny teeny

​

He hit the singles bars at night

His gold chain caught the Disco lights

A pained expression as he danced

With a tube-sock shifting in his pants

He learned the macho pick-up lines

That worked on women every time

Who thought all men were macho-meanies

And all had short, sad, teeny weeny peenys

​

So if you meet a man who acts Neanderthal

Remember that his problem may be small

Just look him in the eyes - and say you sympathize

'Cause he's a big, strong, man with a teeny weeny teeny

Yes, say you sympathize - 'cause you've known men just his size

- well... maybe not that small!

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15. Black Toast

 

All God’s children got the things they like

Some go for fast cars and motor-bikes

Some go for romance from the wrong side of the track

But I’m a guy who likes my toast, and I like it black

Just like my coffee and my hat… I like my toast black

 

I often wander down to Cleveland’s Lunch

He knows how I like my toast. He makes it crunch.

Here comes the man with the bottle in the sack

He’s a guy who likes his toast sooty-black

Just like his little kitty-cat… he likes his toast black

 

Now, some of you may like your toast golden brown

But if you cook mine that way, I won’t hang around

Singe it on the edges, then you’re right on track

‘Cause I’m a guy who likes my toast coal-black

Just like them high-speed cadillacs, I like my toast black

 

Black is the color of my true love’s toast

‘Cause that’s the way that I like it the most

I don’t give a damn about the color of her hair

As long as she can burn my toast beyond compare

Just like my coffee and my hat… 

Just like my little kitty-cat… 

I ain’t gonna take it back, I like my toast black!

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16. Cannibal Can-Can

 

I asked my Daddy last week, “Hey, Daddy, why don’t you

Come for dinner one night? I’ll make the family stew!”

So my Daddy showed up with his appetite

But little did he know (until I gave him a bite)

 

We’d be doin’ the Cannibal Can Can

Like only cannibals can

Doin’ the Cannibal Can C-Can Can Can

If you’re hungry, take me by the hand

 

When the meal is served and they say the grace

You pray the dish they pass ain’t a familiar face

But you never know until the fire is hot

Who’ll be stirrin’ the spoon and who’ll be in the pot

​

Doin’ the Cannibal Can Can

Like only cannibals can

Doin’ the Cannibal Can C-Can Can Can

If you’re hungry, take me by the hand

 

The cookin’ class of life can be a raw deal

One night they make you Chef, next night they make you the meal

When your back is turned they change the menu

Voila! The meal tonight is shish-ke-bob de vous!

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17. Juanie

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Way down in Jamaica, next to Kingston town

There lived a reggae boy who could really get down

In a little grass hut made of bamboo sticks

He'd sit beneath the palm trees playing guitar licks

He never learned to read or write or spell so well

But he could play the guitar just like a coconut shell

 

Go, go---go, Juanie, go! Go! Go, Juanie, go! Go!

Go, Juanie, go, go! Go, Juanie, go, go!

Juanie, be bueno...